Two Snowy Settings by William and Evie

Here are two short pieces of writing from this Friday’s lesson. A picture was displayed on the whiteboard and the class were given three minutes to write what came into their heads, paying special attention to the senses. Here is a link to our source picture: http://panoramas.dk/2010/kalovig-denmark.html

A random name picker then selected these two pieces of writing which have not been edited. Would you make any changes?

Example One 
the glimpsing sun is shining on the water bouncing through the distance. With snow almost sieging against the rocks in formation with all the trees shattering you can hear children shouting and looking out at the huge docks with massive masts crowding round the world wide voyaging sea at sun set.
 
Example Two
I slowly swivelled around, taking in every detail of the beautiful landscape. I loved the way the snow gracefully became water as you went further down the beach. The sun glinted off the water in the background, almost making it look like a sheet of platinum. The benches looked like mountains with snowy tops. The trees leant over to each other and had whispered conversations. Stooping down, I picked up a small chunk of powdery snow and allowed it to trickle through my fingers.
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2 responses to “Two Snowy Settings by William and Evie

  1. Evie – Beautiful. I love the trees whispering to each other. I also liked how you actually put yourself there. Snow trickling through your fingers. Very mature writing. So well written.

    William – you need a capital T at the beginning. I like the word “sieging” and “rocks in formation” – it describes a battle like scene – but then we hear children shouting which I find interesting…
    Most of the poem is one long run-on sentence, but it works for me as it reads as a cool poem! 🙂

  2. William, I Ioved the way you described the boats in so much detail. Some really interesting vocabulary. Great writing!

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